gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
