I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
two words: eviction party
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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