this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
