I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
