Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
