when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Randomize
