I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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