her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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