Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
