why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
