I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
