well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
