Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
