i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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