oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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