if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Randomize
