my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
