About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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