Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
