3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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