i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
