Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I feel like abortions should bother me more
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
We're too hungover to prance.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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