i may or may not be watching the land before time
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
