It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
