1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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