I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
