I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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