I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
