Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
