The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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