Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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