I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
