my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
