Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize