3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
