Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
