we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
