i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
