the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
