I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Randomize
