Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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