Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
He told me they were just razor bumps!
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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