I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize