there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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