I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
