I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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