Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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