I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
