so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
