I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
