does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
