I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
