shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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