I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
