She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
