This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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