help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
it was like having sex with a tree stump
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
