I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
