I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Randomize
