Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
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