Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
