he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
