Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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