Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize